yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
