Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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