I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
