Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
