My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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