apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am full of burrito and curiosity
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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