you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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