why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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