even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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