If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
