i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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