just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
