At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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