I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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