I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i drank out of a bidet.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
