you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
