i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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