I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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