we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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