She announced her abortion via fbk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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