Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
