We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
