I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
