Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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