I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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