Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
