i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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