I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
His hands were made for my vagina.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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