life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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