I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I still have a little drunk in my system
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
