i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
