The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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