genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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