Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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