I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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