I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
