just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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