Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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