You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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