he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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