omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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