Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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