Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
