How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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