Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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