I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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