Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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