I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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