Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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