sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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