I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
