Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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