I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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