I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
