i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
