you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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