I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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